Codependency 101 – Everything You Should Know

One of the great things about relationships is having someone you can depend on for the big things and the everyday moments. Unfortunately, some relationships turn from being two people who know they can depend on each other to two people who only depend on each other or one person who depends too much on another. This is called codependency. While there may be a fine line between a close relationship and codependency, it’s important to understand the difference and avoid or make changes within relationships that are leaning into codependency. In this blog, we’ll walk through what exactly codependency is and how therapy can help couples work through it.

Codependency Defined

In most cases, codependency occurs between romantic partners who become fully dependent on each other to meet all of their physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. However, codependency can also occur between friends, family members, and even coworkers. Additionally, codependency is rarely an equal sharing where both partners fulfill each other’s needs fully. Instead, it tends to mean one person in the relationship takes responsibility for the others’ needs over their own wellbeing. Codependency is not a clinical diagnosis. In fact, it was coined as part of the Alcoholics Anonymous program in the 1950s. The term referred to the unhealthy attachments that formed between alcoholics and their loved ones. Today, we utilize the term more broadly to help us understand why certain relationships can be damaging.

While it’s beneficial to have people in your life who you feel are trustworthy and can be depended on, becoming completely reliant on another person to meet all of your needs is problematic. Not only does that place a lot of pressure on one relationship, but it also cuts you off from other relationships that could provide sources of joy and fulfillment in your life. If you’re the person being relied on in the relationship, this can be stressful and draining.

Codependency Warning Signs

There are many warning signs that codependency is occurring in a relationship. If partners can recognize this and take steps to correct it, this relationship imbalance may be corrected if both parties are willing to work toward different ways of connecting.

Some of the common warning signs of being the “giver” in a codependent relationship include:

• Devoting large amounts of time to planning ways to keep the other person happy
• Walking on eggshells to avoid conflict
• Apologizing even when you haven’t done anything wrong
• Foregoing your own needs or desires to meet those of your partner
• Empathizing with the other person and their struggle even when they fail to empathize with you
• Doing things you don’t want to do, feel comfortable with, or are unequipped for because the other person asks you to
• Not making time for yourself or prioritizing your relationship needs
• Feeling like you don’t know who you are outside of how you relate to the other person

Some of the common warning signs of being the “taker” in a codependent relationship include:

• Expecting the giver in the relationship to accommodate your requests even if you would find the same request unreasonable
• Feeling like the other person in the relationship deserves poor treatment if they are unable to meet your needs
• Being disappointed in the other person if they fail to anticipate your needs
• Getting angry irrationally even when you recognize the other person is trying to help or support you
• Feeling misunderstood or unloved
• Manipulating people emotionally to ensure your needs are met

Risk Factors for Codependency

There’s not necessarily one underlying cause or reason that people find themselves in codependent relationships. Instead, there are a number of factors that may increase risk for codependency, including:

• Poor boundaries – people who do not set and maintain good boundaries are much more likely to find themselves in codependent relationships.
• Genetics – an individual’s prefrontal cortex may not appropriately develop to suppress empathetic response. When people over empathize with others, they may be more susceptible to codependency.
• Learned behavior – when codependency is modeled in familial relationships or society, individuals may grow up to think these relationships are typical.
• Character – people who are more caring by nature can expose themselves to codependent relationships.
•  Substance use disorders and addictions – those who struggle with these disorders are more likely to experience codependency.

How Lansing Counseling Can Help

At Lansing Counseling, we offer couples therapy, which can be beneficial to those who are struggling with codependency. We also offer individual therapy to help partners better understand and recognize their own behaviors and how they contribute to codependency. In order to move beyond codependency, the individuals involved must develop greater self-awareness. If you’re ready to work together and/or individually to overcome codependency and regain a sense of independence, the Lansing Counseling team is here to support you. Getting started is easy. Simply call (517) 333-1499, email [email protected], or complete our online inquiry form today.